dear The Accidental Bitch,

i only had time to see j. twice before i left chicago for brooklyn. both dates were wonderful: honest, mature, very sexy and playful. for example, we met downtown on the first date, had coffee and walked along michigan avenue in front of a row of famous buildings across from millennium park. he kissed me under cloud gate (the silver bean sculpture), we messed around in this part of the park (my favorite) with prairie grass and coniferous tree walls; you can see skyscrapers above the treeline, and it feels like you're at the intersection of two eras. there's enough privacy for heavy petting: benches ensconced in the wall of trees, sparse lighting. (it's a good spot; I find myself there often.) we went to the art institute wing of modern art after that, could barely keep our hands off of each other. and then a light dinner, a very horny cab ride down to hyde park (poor cabbie), a hornier movie (a 1940s horror film at doc films), and then his dorm room.

in other words, a perfect date with someone you don't plan on being too serious with: j. is smart (an MA student at UChicago), funny (he used to be a comedian), and respectful without being self-conscious or prude (two huge turn-offs).

plus, lumberjack beard and body.

our sexual relationship is very specific. let me start by saying that i initiated this relationship, and i'm fulfilled by it. it mostly involves me pleasing him: he tells me what to do, and i do it. He rewards me when i do what he wants. this, i guess, is a form of teasing (on his end) that i understand.

because we're both away from Chicago right now, we were forced to put our relationship on hiatus. he started texting me, we've been sexting. we're both very articulate people, so it works really well. i like the thought of him thinking of me, jerking off to me. i don't always think about him when i'm getting myself off. i don't even usually. But i like that i've kept his attention, and i think where he's at sexually (and where I'm able to be with him sexually: submissive without feeling disrespected) are interesting places.

he's newly divorced from a wife who didn't like sex. he's felt ashamed of wanting as much sex as he does, and especially ashamed of wanting head. he's also ashamed of having a (common hetero male) desire to watch two women kiss and fondle. i don't really like describing my encounters with women to hetero men just to get them off. it's not my thing. i feel like the sex i have with women has a different shape and character: crossing worlds (threesomes excepted) seems to violate something. it's a mistranslation that most men can't hear. in my experience, anyway.

but i want him to feel more comfortable with this desire, with desire in general. he's older, he's on a path of exploration. why should he feel he deserves less than he desires? that's when people start robbing love from others. when they lie to get what they don't believe they can or should get otherwise. So i've indulged him a little, describing a few more random lesbian encounters i've had.

two nights ago, after we've gotten each other off sexting, he does something strange. i don't think he's doing it to get me off (he knew i had finished), and it's not for him (because he had finished). he started describing to me what he thinks a threesome with me and another woman would be like. in his vision, he fucks the other woman while i watch, then as he cuddles with her, i suck him off. then, and i quote, "when i come, i'll give you to her as a present, and you can make out with her while i watch. only after you get her off can you come and cuddle with us."

i had no idea how to respond. first of all, i'm more comfortable being the center of a threesome, and with a gay woman involved. second of all, i hated that this woman was faceless, really uninvolved, an object in the desire we share. okay, so there isn't actually an existent person to focus our desire on, but come on! third, it really surprised me that he misunderstood our dominant/submissive sex so baldly. beneath the dominance is a mutual respect . . . he respects my intelligence, we have conversations about intellectual and artistic topics. we've talked about where we are both at in life. We are, to each other, more than objects. i need that respect and compassion to be vulnerable in the submissive role. it's play. i don't like being abused, bossed around. i like being generous and having that generosity rewarded and fulfilled . . . i didn't like that with the addition of this object--another woman--he violated the terms of that relationship.

which worries me. maybe he doesn't understand the relationship at all. and i don't know whether to help him understand (to establish boundaries) or protect myself and end the exchange . . .

oh, modern love.

sorry, long post. just wanted everything about the respectful (romantic?) part of our relationship to be clear before I explained the bedroom.

heart,

charlie d.