Friday, January 27, 2012
loneliness
fighting, tonight, the paradox of feeling lonely when there are so many possibilities for human contact: the chef, the occupy activist, a dj, and a painter all asked me out. i want to spend time with someone, but i think i'll go hunting on my own. . . find someone in a cafe, in a bar somewhere in this new hometown of mine. . . take it from there. . . something about leaving it to serendipity, about leaving open the possibility that i'll meet no one and spend a solitary evening, makes it seem the more difficult thing to do.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
mystery beard man
dear charlie d.,
it started with me and a friend leaving a bar, and ended with three used condoms.
ok, it started earlier: i was really, really drunk. [it was a night where 2 beers had me tipsy - but my friends, trying to help ease the pain of losing my job, all bought me drinks. i must have been at least 2 whiskeys and 5 beers in.]
at the bar i did a quick scan of the room. the restaurant had mostly cleared out after our event, but i noticed a guy sitting by the window, flipping through a magazine. i didn't get a great look at him, but from the side and behind he seemed cute. when he dropped his drink off as he was leaving, i got a better look at him. definitely cute.. but, leaving. oh well. there are more mysterious scotch-drinkers in the sea.
my friend and i finished our drinks and headed out. a crazy woman from the bar (crazy as in talking about how she is going to sleep with her ex boyfriend who was there, but wanting me to hang out longer with her) was talking to my mystery beard man. my friend and i joined the conversation. i not-very-politely told the crazy woman that there was no way i could stand another moment with her supremely annoying ex-boyfriend. she left to go talk to said ex-boyfriend. my friend, mystery beard man (mbm) and i chatted for a bit. i think mbm invited both of us to the bar he was going to next. i teased my friend about going back home, where his girlfriend was waiting. the friend left, and i agreed to go to the next bar with my boyfriend for the night.
he was really sweet.
we flirted a lot. the bartender at the new bar liked us; he bought us shots. mbm bought me a couple of beers. he liked my questions. i went to the bathroom at one point, checked myself out. i let my hair down. mbm noticed the instant i came back. cute.
he invited me over, i said yes. mbm paid the tab and we left. outside his building he was locking up his bike and somehow we decided i should try to ride it. i was pretty awful at it, almost ran into a tree. note to self, do not do that when drunk.
he has no roommates. charlie d., i only want to ever go somewhere with no roommates, ok?
he went to the bathroom when we got in and he told me to make myself comfortable. i stripped down to my bra and panties and slipped under the covers. he fucking loved it.
i know that i was drunk so some of this is a blur, but he was a good kisser. out of everyone i've been with i think he may have been the best at going down on me. again... drunk. but i somehow was able to relax and let go. he told me my eyes are beautiful. he was very in shape: his shoulders and arms are amazing. his skin was so perfectly soft.
at one point i turned into what i call old me - super self-conscious, afraid that my body is repugnant. i said something about this. he stopped me. he asked me what about my body i was worried about, and then kissed any part that i named.
i hate getting the bed wet. it always makes me very self-conscious. when i came and got it on his bed, i didn't even have time to (mistakenly, i know) apologize; he immediately said he wanted the whole bed wet. cute.
he was too drunk to come, which i feel can be a tricky situation, because it can (and did) lead to... cuddling, kissing, getting another condom, still not able to come. i hate it when that happens.
we slept together naked. he liked cuddling. i knew he had to wake up in something like 3 hours so i tried to move as little as possible. but when i would shift a little, he would pull me close to him (in a good way, not the possessive gross way).
when his alarm went off, he got up. when he saw me shift around, he came over. he said "let's see those eyes again" and stroked my face. he kissed me. he said he was already late for work. we had sex anyway.
let me say... hungover/still drunk sex is not better than drunk sex. i not only had a head ache and morning breath, but was very dehydrated. i wanted to do it but i wanted it to be quick.
he still didn't come. this time i didn't really care... if i wasn't hungover i would have given him a blow job or something but i was too tired and cranky to make the effort.
he said i could stay there and sleep in, but i wanted to get home and sleep in my bed so i put my clothes on along with him. he asked me to write my number down and i realized that this thought had not crossed my mind. i think after being rejected by sparky, i assume that sex with strangers will be a one-time thing unless they make the effort. but i was pleased that mbm wanted it. i wrote down my number, plus a smiley face.
he even gave me directions for how to get home. and, it was then that i realized: we live within walking distance of each other.
hopefully we won't drink so damn much next time.
since i have already heard from him, i am thinking this may be a multi-entry story.
love you,
tab
it started with me and a friend leaving a bar, and ended with three used condoms.
ok, it started earlier: i was really, really drunk. [it was a night where 2 beers had me tipsy - but my friends, trying to help ease the pain of losing my job, all bought me drinks. i must have been at least 2 whiskeys and 5 beers in.]
at the bar i did a quick scan of the room. the restaurant had mostly cleared out after our event, but i noticed a guy sitting by the window, flipping through a magazine. i didn't get a great look at him, but from the side and behind he seemed cute. when he dropped his drink off as he was leaving, i got a better look at him. definitely cute.. but, leaving. oh well. there are more mysterious scotch-drinkers in the sea.
my friend and i finished our drinks and headed out. a crazy woman from the bar (crazy as in talking about how she is going to sleep with her ex boyfriend who was there, but wanting me to hang out longer with her) was talking to my mystery beard man. my friend and i joined the conversation. i not-very-politely told the crazy woman that there was no way i could stand another moment with her supremely annoying ex-boyfriend. she left to go talk to said ex-boyfriend. my friend, mystery beard man (mbm) and i chatted for a bit. i think mbm invited both of us to the bar he was going to next. i teased my friend about going back home, where his girlfriend was waiting. the friend left, and i agreed to go to the next bar with my boyfriend for the night.
he was really sweet.
we flirted a lot. the bartender at the new bar liked us; he bought us shots. mbm bought me a couple of beers. he liked my questions. i went to the bathroom at one point, checked myself out. i let my hair down. mbm noticed the instant i came back. cute.
he invited me over, i said yes. mbm paid the tab and we left. outside his building he was locking up his bike and somehow we decided i should try to ride it. i was pretty awful at it, almost ran into a tree. note to self, do not do that when drunk.
he has no roommates. charlie d., i only want to ever go somewhere with no roommates, ok?
he went to the bathroom when we got in and he told me to make myself comfortable. i stripped down to my bra and panties and slipped under the covers. he fucking loved it.
i know that i was drunk so some of this is a blur, but he was a good kisser. out of everyone i've been with i think he may have been the best at going down on me. again... drunk. but i somehow was able to relax and let go. he told me my eyes are beautiful. he was very in shape: his shoulders and arms are amazing. his skin was so perfectly soft.
at one point i turned into what i call old me - super self-conscious, afraid that my body is repugnant. i said something about this. he stopped me. he asked me what about my body i was worried about, and then kissed any part that i named.
i hate getting the bed wet. it always makes me very self-conscious. when i came and got it on his bed, i didn't even have time to (mistakenly, i know) apologize; he immediately said he wanted the whole bed wet. cute.
he was too drunk to come, which i feel can be a tricky situation, because it can (and did) lead to... cuddling, kissing, getting another condom, still not able to come. i hate it when that happens.
we slept together naked. he liked cuddling. i knew he had to wake up in something like 3 hours so i tried to move as little as possible. but when i would shift a little, he would pull me close to him (in a good way, not the possessive gross way).
when his alarm went off, he got up. when he saw me shift around, he came over. he said "let's see those eyes again" and stroked my face. he kissed me. he said he was already late for work. we had sex anyway.
let me say... hungover/still drunk sex is not better than drunk sex. i not only had a head ache and morning breath, but was very dehydrated. i wanted to do it but i wanted it to be quick.
he still didn't come. this time i didn't really care... if i wasn't hungover i would have given him a blow job or something but i was too tired and cranky to make the effort.
he said i could stay there and sleep in, but i wanted to get home and sleep in my bed so i put my clothes on along with him. he asked me to write my number down and i realized that this thought had not crossed my mind. i think after being rejected by sparky, i assume that sex with strangers will be a one-time thing unless they make the effort. but i was pleased that mbm wanted it. i wrote down my number, plus a smiley face.
he even gave me directions for how to get home. and, it was then that i realized: we live within walking distance of each other.
hopefully we won't drink so damn much next time.
since i have already heard from him, i am thinking this may be a multi-entry story.
love you,
tab
Sunday, January 8, 2012
the ex coworker coffee date
dear charlie d.,
yesterday i found out that the guy i messaged was actually an ex coworker. there was a flash of embarrassment, but it didn't last long - after all, in a way i liked the idea that he is someone i'm familiar with. i was at a party with people when i read his message, so i decided to table responding until i was at home again in front of the computer. and less drunk.
today, i woke up feeling hungover but ambitious: i wanted to do laundry, go running, check out the farmer's market... but first i needed to drink some water and wake up slowly while watching Bored to Death. i also logged onto the dating site, and got an im from the coworker.
we chatted about what we've been up to, he is in school and usually out of town but visits nyc frequently. he's in an open relationship with a queer girl who's also on the site. her profile is great, she's sex positive, and it sounds like we would get along well. we talked about the possibility of a threesome, or at least a date with all 3 of us. and talked about just me and him, or just me and her... too many options. he seemed very sure that he would want to fool around, but also got that it was important to make sure the vibe felt right first. i tend to plan things too far in advance and it makes the moment less exciting, so i am making a conscious effort to stop doing that.
we set up a date to grab coffee at the spot in my neighborhood where you and i went (yes, i am being vague but i think you know where i mean). he only had a couple of hours til he had to go back to the girl's place, as he had her keys and needed to be there to let her in.
i wore a form-fitting, short sweater dress, black sort-of-lacy tights, and my knee-high boots.
we sat and talked. he's really, really smart. very open and progressive and he really listens when you talk. he is passionate about what he does - he said he knows he's pursuing the right career because he actually reads articles/books on the topic for fun, outside of class. i like that.
at one point he reached over and held my hand.. he also commented on my tights. i commented on his plaid shirt. he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and make out. i said yes. on the way back to my apartment, he swept me up and kissed me. he touched my ass. i liked that.. i was feeling a little shy, so him being bold worked well for me.
we didn't really waste much time once he came over, since he was on a time crunch. we sensual danced a little bit and made out. as clothes came off, he was very focused on wanting to go down on me, and overall was somewhat rough in bed. he spanked me. he pulled my hair. he used a magnum condom. he played with being dominant but also liked it when i pushed back.
we lay in bed naked after and talked for a bit. we held hands. he said he thinks my eyes are beautiful. it was cute.
i think he was surprised that i wasn't offended that he had to leave so quickly after we were done.
overall, a good experience for me. things i learned from this:
- i don't need alcohol to have sex (or, sex with someone i don't know that well). at several points throughout the 'date' and before we started fooling around, i felt like i wanted a drink to help me relax. but, looking back, i mostly was relaxed - and didn't need alcohol to make me less inhibited.
- i am slowly feeling less ashamed of my body. usually when i get naked, i am immediately filled with shame and feel like i need to apologize or caveat something. my therapist said "these people are sleeping with you and they're not running away" which helped me realize that i am the only one who dislikes myself, and i have no reason to. so, even though i instinctually cringe a little bit when my panties come off, this fear and shame has become a shadow of what it used to be.
- i still have trouble with orgasms sometimes. i did orgasm twice, but they weren't as intense/long as i feel like they are when i am totally comfortable. i think when i start to feel it coming, i get up in my head about it and feel self-conscious, which distracts me from fully feeling it and sometimes leads to me holding back... it's regrettable.
he texted me afterward: "nice getting coffee with you"
and online later, wrote me "damn that was good"
of course it was. have you MET me?
love you, miss you.
- tab
yesterday i found out that the guy i messaged was actually an ex coworker. there was a flash of embarrassment, but it didn't last long - after all, in a way i liked the idea that he is someone i'm familiar with. i was at a party with people when i read his message, so i decided to table responding until i was at home again in front of the computer. and less drunk.
today, i woke up feeling hungover but ambitious: i wanted to do laundry, go running, check out the farmer's market... but first i needed to drink some water and wake up slowly while watching Bored to Death. i also logged onto the dating site, and got an im from the coworker.
we chatted about what we've been up to, he is in school and usually out of town but visits nyc frequently. he's in an open relationship with a queer girl who's also on the site. her profile is great, she's sex positive, and it sounds like we would get along well. we talked about the possibility of a threesome, or at least a date with all 3 of us. and talked about just me and him, or just me and her... too many options. he seemed very sure that he would want to fool around, but also got that it was important to make sure the vibe felt right first. i tend to plan things too far in advance and it makes the moment less exciting, so i am making a conscious effort to stop doing that.
we set up a date to grab coffee at the spot in my neighborhood where you and i went (yes, i am being vague but i think you know where i mean). he only had a couple of hours til he had to go back to the girl's place, as he had her keys and needed to be there to let her in.
i wore a form-fitting, short sweater dress, black sort-of-lacy tights, and my knee-high boots.
we sat and talked. he's really, really smart. very open and progressive and he really listens when you talk. he is passionate about what he does - he said he knows he's pursuing the right career because he actually reads articles/books on the topic for fun, outside of class. i like that.
at one point he reached over and held my hand.. he also commented on my tights. i commented on his plaid shirt. he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and make out. i said yes. on the way back to my apartment, he swept me up and kissed me. he touched my ass. i liked that.. i was feeling a little shy, so him being bold worked well for me.
we didn't really waste much time once he came over, since he was on a time crunch. we sensual danced a little bit and made out. as clothes came off, he was very focused on wanting to go down on me, and overall was somewhat rough in bed. he spanked me. he pulled my hair. he used a magnum condom. he played with being dominant but also liked it when i pushed back.
we lay in bed naked after and talked for a bit. we held hands. he said he thinks my eyes are beautiful. it was cute.
i think he was surprised that i wasn't offended that he had to leave so quickly after we were done.
overall, a good experience for me. things i learned from this:
- i don't need alcohol to have sex (or, sex with someone i don't know that well). at several points throughout the 'date' and before we started fooling around, i felt like i wanted a drink to help me relax. but, looking back, i mostly was relaxed - and didn't need alcohol to make me less inhibited.
- i am slowly feeling less ashamed of my body. usually when i get naked, i am immediately filled with shame and feel like i need to apologize or caveat something. my therapist said "these people are sleeping with you and they're not running away" which helped me realize that i am the only one who dislikes myself, and i have no reason to. so, even though i instinctually cringe a little bit when my panties come off, this fear and shame has become a shadow of what it used to be.
- i still have trouble with orgasms sometimes. i did orgasm twice, but they weren't as intense/long as i feel like they are when i am totally comfortable. i think when i start to feel it coming, i get up in my head about it and feel self-conscious, which distracts me from fully feeling it and sometimes leads to me holding back... it's regrettable.
he texted me afterward: "nice getting coffee with you"
and online later, wrote me "damn that was good"
of course it was. have you MET me?
love you, miss you.
- tab
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