dear charlie d.,
yesterday i found out that the guy i messaged was actually an ex coworker. there was a flash of embarrassment, but it didn't last long - after all, in a way i liked the idea that he is someone i'm familiar with. i was at a party with people when i read his message, so i decided to table responding until i was at home again in front of the computer. and less drunk.
today, i woke up feeling hungover but ambitious: i wanted to do laundry, go running, check out the farmer's market... but first i needed to drink some water and wake up slowly while watching Bored to Death. i also logged onto the dating site, and got an im from the coworker.
we chatted about what we've been up to, he is in school and usually out of town but visits nyc frequently. he's in an open relationship with a queer girl who's also on the site. her profile is great, she's sex positive, and it sounds like we would get along well. we talked about the possibility of a threesome, or at least a date with all 3 of us. and talked about just me and him, or just me and her... too many options. he seemed very sure that he would want to fool around, but also got that it was important to make sure the vibe felt right first. i tend to plan things too far in advance and it makes the moment less exciting, so i am making a conscious effort to stop doing that.
we set up a date to grab coffee at the spot in my neighborhood where you and i went (yes, i am being vague but i think you know where i mean). he only had a couple of hours til he had to go back to the girl's place, as he had her keys and needed to be there to let her in.
i wore a form-fitting, short sweater dress, black sort-of-lacy tights, and my knee-high boots.
we sat and talked. he's really, really smart. very open and progressive and he really listens when you talk. he is passionate about what he does - he said he knows he's pursuing the right career because he actually reads articles/books on the topic for fun, outside of class. i like that.
at one point he reached over and held my hand.. he also commented on my tights. i commented on his plaid shirt. he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and make out. i said yes. on the way back to my apartment, he swept me up and kissed me. he touched my ass. i liked that.. i was feeling a little shy, so him being bold worked well for me.
we didn't really waste much time once he came over, since he was on a time crunch. we sensual danced a little bit and made out. as clothes came off, he was very focused on wanting to go down on me, and overall was somewhat rough in bed. he spanked me. he pulled my hair. he used a magnum condom. he played with being dominant but also liked it when i pushed back.
we lay in bed naked after and talked for a bit. we held hands. he said he thinks my eyes are beautiful. it was cute.
i think he was surprised that i wasn't offended that he had to leave so quickly after we were done.
overall, a good experience for me. things i learned from this:
- i don't need alcohol to have sex (or, sex with someone i don't know that well). at several points throughout the 'date' and before we started fooling around, i felt like i wanted a drink to help me relax. but, looking back, i mostly was relaxed - and didn't need alcohol to make me less inhibited.
- i am slowly feeling less ashamed of my body. usually when i get naked, i am immediately filled with shame and feel like i need to apologize or caveat something. my therapist said "these people are sleeping with you and they're not running away" which helped me realize that i am the only one who dislikes myself, and i have no reason to. so, even though i instinctually cringe a little bit when my panties come off, this fear and shame has become a shadow of what it used to be.
- i still have trouble with orgasms sometimes. i did orgasm twice, but they weren't as intense/long as i feel like they are when i am totally comfortable. i think when i start to feel it coming, i get up in my head about it and feel self-conscious, which distracts me from fully feeling it and sometimes leads to me holding back... it's regrettable.
he texted me afterward: "nice getting coffee with you"
and online later, wrote me "damn that was good"
of course it was. have you MET me?
love you, miss you.
- tab
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